do not go gentle
by the overdue asteroid
Summary: After Light regains his memories of the Death Note, he finds it's not as easy to kill L as he hoped. And as it appears, Kira's not the only one wanting to kill L. (L/Light, Near/Mello)
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, this is another one of those "what if Light suddenly gives up the entire God-thing and stops being a dick" fics. I mean, obviously there'll be other things happening, too, but I suppose this is the basic premise. This is actually really self-indulgent and me trying to "fix things".**

**Also, Beyond Birthday is gonna be there.**

**Without further ado, please enjoy and don't hesitate to tell me if you do - and don't hesitate to tell me if you don't either.**

...

"What will Light-kun do, when he's been proven innocent? When I'm gone." He isn't sure if L means _once Kira kills me_, but he acts like he doesn't.

"I don't want you to leave." It's a lie, but at the same time it isn't, because he needs to watch L die, needs to feel his body go limp, needs to see the _light_ leave his eyes, needs the last thing he hears to be "I was Kira all along. You were right. But it doesn't matter now, because I _won_"; needs the last thing L will ever see to be his face, as he dies in Light's arms like he was always supposed to do.

Light's hands fist into the bedsheets.

L doesn't reply, but instead considers him with a look that seems to know everything, but he can't know anything, because Light has been so careful all this time to not let the fact that everything has changed slip – he thinks about wrapping his fingers around L's pale, thin throat and _squeeze_, but that would really blow his cover.

"Yes, I suppose that would be quite unfortunate if you were Kira, wouldn't it," L says, and his fingers toy idly with the chain connecting their wrists like a thin silver lifeline.

"Ryuzaki, didn't this just prove that I am not Kira?" Light snaps, but for some reason his voice sounds more elated and giddy with excitement over the fact that their game can continue now than angry.

"No," says L, and Light can feel a little thrill run down his spine, because he knows L knows, but there's nothing he can do to _prove_ it. "The thirteen day rule will prove Light-kun's innocence." _Or convict him_ hangs heavily in the air between them.

Thumb between teeth, he looks at Light with wide, unblinking eyes, obviously trying to convei an air of innocence, but Light _knows_ him, _knows_ that L is anything but innocent. "For that time being I would like Light-kun to remain chained to me."

At this, Light wants to jump up, grab L from the computer chair and throw him at the floor and _choke him choke him choke him_ until he surrenders, until he admits his defeat, until he lets Light talk to Misa and make her take the eye-deal again so he'll know L's name, so he'll _win_. But instead, he takes a deep breath and says, "I don't know why this should be necessary, Ryuzaki."

He wants to say _don't you trust me? _but he knows the answer already and he wouldn't want the answer to be anything else, even if it would make everything so much easier – but then there wouldn't be a challenge to their game.

And it's the first time in years that Light hasn't been bored, and it's the first time in years that another person caught his interest, and it's probably because they are so similar except for the fact that Light will beat him that Light will be _better_. He can't give that up just now, even if he wants nothing more than for L to be six feet under – or maybe Light will put him into a glass coffin so he will forever be able to look at L, beautiful in his defeat.

"Light-kun will still be under surveillance until his innocence is proven," L tells him, and it's in a voice Light doesn't know from him, he almost sounds like a man one could imagine being the world's top three detectives. Light doesn't want to think about why this excites him.

He sighs, and uses his half of the chain to tug L out of his spinny-chair, but he's not sure why, then says, "Fine. Fine whatever, if it'll finally convince you that I am not Kira." _But I am, I am Kira, and you are L and I will kill you and you will die, you will die for me._

"Come," L says suddenly, and leads the way into the kitchen. "I know Watari made Bavarian Cream yesterday."

Well, it's just like L to eat at a time like this, at a time where Light is itching to get his hands onto the Death Note, to let the ink bleed into the pages as he writes down L's name with the utmost care. He'll make it beautiful.

But for this to happen he needs to get away from him and get to Misa and that won't happen until after the thirteen days are over – but then it will be too late.

They lean against the counter, shoulders almost-but-not-quite brushing, as they stand in silence, L eating his cream – he offered Light one too, but Light declined. It didn't seem appropriate to take food from someone you want to murder – not that that ever stopped him before.

He watches L swallow and wonders what it would feel like to sink his teeth into the pale, cold flesh and rip his throat out.

"Is Light-kun worried that the thirteen day rule will not take effect?" L asks, not looking up from his task of gathering as much sugary goo onto his spoon as he can.

Light feels a burst of anger jolt through him, because he doesn't know what to say in order to not give himself away or making L think he knows something about the Kira-thing he shouldn't know.

"I suppose we will see in due time," L says after it becomes clear that Light won't reply.

"I suppose."

Suddenly, L's finger is at his lips, trying to push some of that sugary goo into his mouth. And before Light knows what he's doing, he closes his lips around it and bites – but not as hard as he actually wants, and not hard enough to make L immediately pull away, and he's not even sure if he wants that in the first place.

After a moment, L does pull away, though, and says, "We should go downstairs."

"Yeah," says Light, even though he doesn't want to see the others.

Neither of them moves, though. And it might not be because they're comfortable with each other, but more because they're much less comfortable around everyone else. Light is glad that Misa's not there anymore, because right now she's not of any use to him anyway, and he's not sure if she can keep her facade up now that they both remember. But on the other hand, she's known for so much longer than Light and hasn't let anything slip – maybe she's better at her job than he gives her credit for.

And later, they'll go downstairs to where they left the rest of the investigation team, and L will explain to them that he'll keep Light under surveillance for a little longer, and Matsuda, poor naïve Matsuda, will protest that Light's innocent and his father will yell in that annoying way of his, "Ryuzaki!" and Light will say it's all fine, because if it helps with the case, he'll go along with it, and maybe L will smile at him.

They'll act as though nothing has changed, as though Light doesn't remember being God. They've always been good at keeping up appearances.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for reading!**

**I will try to update once a week. **

**Please feel free to tell me what you think**

But when they go downstairs, nobody says anything about them still being handcuffed together, they all seem to focused on the apple in Matsuda's hands. For a second, Light thinks they're trying to test the _God's of Death love apples _thing, but then as he hands the apple to L, he gets a good look at it.

_Mirror, mirror_.

It's carved into the apple's shiny red skin.

L's eyes widen the tiniest fraction – and Light knows none of the others notice, but Light _knows_.

He wonders what it'd look like if Light _choked him choked him choked him_, until his eyes are red with blood, until they pop out of his scull.

"This was dropped off for you, Ryuzaki," Matsuda tells him, eyes wide with worry. "We found it outside the building."

Light wants to shake him or L, it doesn't matter, because this doesn't explain anything, but to L it seems to, and Light can't stand not _knowing_.

"Thank you, Matsuda," L says at the same time Light asks, "Who dropped it off? And how do you know it's for L?" He doesn't even bother using L's fake name, because it doesn't matter anyway.

"Ryuzaki," begins Light's father, but L interrupts him, "You should go home to your families now. Celebrate your victory over Kira."

His voice sounds weird at that, because _you didn't win, you didn't beat me, Kira is right there and there is nothing you can do_.

They all start talking over each other, and Light doesn't bother to hear anything they say, but instead watches L traces his fingers over the words. _I could carve my name into you and our sheets will be white and you'll stain them red_.

"You deserve it," L continues.

"Why is my son still chained to you," says his father finally, while the others start gathering their things. _My son_, of course Light notices it, and he _knows _L notices too, because he looks at Light out of the corners of his eyes.

"Hm, yes, he is," L agrees. "I will unchain him as soon as the thirteen day rule has been tested."

"But -," says Matsuda, just as Light knew he would.

So he says, just as he planned, "It's fine. If that's what it takes to finally prove my innocence."

His father frowns, "I still don't see why this would be necessary anymore."

"Which is why I am the top three detectives in the world." Light actually has to suppress a snort at this, but he's not very successful, which is why the corners of L's lips curl upwards slightly.

L turns towards the door, "I will see you all tomorrow."

"Bye," Light says, before he follows.

As soon as they're alone in their room, he turns to L and asks, "What's up with this?"

He indicates his head towards the apple.

_Mirror, mirror_.

He wonders what it could mean.

"Just someone I knew long ago contacting me again. Do you want it?" He holds the apple out to Light. "It might be poisoned, though."

For some reason it makes it all the more tempting for Light. He takes it. "So Kira's not the only after you, then," he tells L, his voice teasing.

"Hm, yes, it appears Light-kun has competition," L says, smiling slightly. Light chucks the apple at him.

"This is exactly how Kira would respond."

But it's true, he doesn't want competition, _you are mine to kill, mine alone_.

"Well," says Light, "we've already beaten Kira, so that guy won't be a problem." He smiles at L and thinks, _I will protect you. I won't let anyone else get to you._

"Why has Light-kun made no effort to talk to Amane?" L suddenly asks.

"I might've had other things on my mind, in case you haven't noticed."

"She doesn't realize she deserves better."

_But we don't, we deserve each other. _He's always known he and L will end up destroying each other, because they're like two puzzle pieces that would fit together perfectly, if not for one of them being twisted by some warped sense of justice (_which one?_).

"I suppose not," Light agrees, because there's no room for concentrating on being a good boyfriend, because L's pushed thoughts of everything else out of his mind, because he's burning through Light's veins, and whirring through his head.

L's picked the apple up again, and staring at the letters. He seems wistful, nostalgic, even.

"Are you alright?" Light asks, because it's the right thing to do.

"Yes, of course."

But he's not, because Light _knows_ his voice sounds hollow, so he steps closer, and brushes his hand over L's wrist, feeling the blood rush through blue veins, wondering if he could squeeze hard enough to make it stop.

"You can talk to me if you need. I am your _friend_, Ryuzaki."

But instead of responding to any of that, L says, "Light-kun will tear me apart. And I think I will let him."

_Yes, yes I will ruin you, I will destroy you, and you will want me to, and you couldn't do anything even if you wouldn't. _But of course he can't say any of that. "Don't be ridiculous."

L considers him for a moment, then says, "I need to talk to Watari."

"Okay."

And just like that, L pulls a key out of the vast depths of his pocket, unlocks his handcuff, and clinks it to the metal headboard.

Light blinks, then realizes what the hell just happened, and yells, "Is that really necessary?"

"Yes. I need to talk to Watari and I can't let Light-kun be unsupervised, but he can't witness our conversation either. This is the best course of action. I trust Light-kun enough to not lock the door," he adds, as though it isn't a lie, as though it isn't a test to see what Light'll do, to be able to convict him.

L leaves him like that, and Light thinks about trying to escape, but it wouldn't do him any good, because there are cameras everywhere, and L would _know_. And then he'd lock Light up for fifty days again – or thirteen more like it.

So instead, he thinks about L's heart stopping, thinks about putting his head against L's chest, listening to its last few desperate beats. He also thinks about _choking him choking him choking him_ until he's gasping for breath, _begging_ Light to release him.

As far as Light remembers, sleeping in the same bed as L has always been difficult – on the few nights they actually laid the case-work aside to do that – but now, knowing that the _Death Note_ is right there, knowing all he has to do to finally end this is wrap his hands around L's throat, knowing he is _God_ it's harder than ever before.

Sometimes he wakes up with L peering at him from upside-down, and he faintly remembers tugging at the chain until L was sprawled over him, and holding him there. He wonders if he would want that again. Wonders if he _could_ want that again. (He thinks he might.)

This time he wakes up to L _petting_ his hair. It's a testament to how much they've got used to each other that Light doesn't immediately jolt up, yelling, "what the fuck are you doing?"

Instead he rubs at his eyes, the chain clinking faintly.

The glow of the laptop-screen illuminates L's face, making it appear even more waxen and ghostly than usual.

"Do you know any fairy tales, Light-kun?" L asks, not even bothering to pretend he believes Light to still be asleep.

Because they don't have to pretend anymore.

"Uh, I guess," Light replies.

"When I was a child, I was very interested in them," L tells him, and it's the most personal thing L's ever told him, and Light doesn't know why he chose now – why he chose now when Light is finally Kira again. "But you probably don't know many European fairy tales?"

"No."

L's fingers scratch behind his ear, and it's oddly comforting, even though Light doesn't want it to be. "Snow White was my favourite. I don't even know why, but I've always quite liked it." He toys with a strand of Light's hair, twirls it around his finger, and Light almost slaps himself in the face, because it took him so long.

_Mirror, mirror_.

_And it's you, because your hair is ebony, and your skin snow-white, and I will tint your lips blood-red_. And Light will be the one giving him the poisoned apple not some idiot, who did nothing but drop it off at the door.

"My sister had the Disney movie when she was a kid," Light tells him. "I think she liked it."

He wonders how Sayu is doing, and wonders why his dad doesn't tell him.

L doesn't reply, but keeps running his fingers through Light's hair; he's not being gentle, not minding any knots, and Light wants to pull away, but at the same time he doesn't and it scares him a little.

"Why are you telling me this now, anyway?" Light asks, even though he already _knows_.

"Because Light-kun is my friend," L says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and maybe it is.

_But it's not, it's a lie, it's a lie, we're both fucking liars and I will destroy you and you will destroy me and I will let you. _

"Light-kun likes apples, doesn't he?"

And Light knows exactly why he asks, but he also _knows_ L already _knows_ so it doesn't matter anymore.

"I do."

"So do Gods of Death, apparently," L tells him.

_Which I am, L, I am a God of Death_. "As you've told me," he supplies instead.

"Light-kun's hair is very soft. He takes good care of it."

"Maybe you should try that sometime, too." And Light doesn't know why talking to L is so easy, but maybe it always was, and maybe it's even easier now, because L _knows_.

L tugs at a strand of Light's hair, and it sends a little thrill down Light's spine. "Yes, I suppose. But I am so busy trying to find Kira that I can't find the time." It sounds a little accusatory, but Light's tired of the whole _I'm not Kira _spiel, so he doesn't deny it anymore.

"So am I, too, though. And I still have time for personal hygiene," Light tells him.

There's a silence, in which L strokes Light's bangs away from his forehead, and it's so gentle that it has to be a lie. Light doesn't want to think about what it'd be if it wasn't.

"Light-kun should go back to sleep or he'll be useless tomorrow," Light knows it's supposed to offend him, but he is tired, and it's true that he can't work properly without getting at least three hours of sleep (because L doesn't let him sleep for much more than that). And to think he worried about getting a full eight hours.

"Well, you could use some sleep, too."

"Yes," L agrees. "I will just finish this, and then I'll go to sleep, as well."

"Okay." He closes his eyes and lets the rhythmic typing and L stroking Light's hair soothe him back to sleep.

And maybe it's ironic, but maybe this is how it was always supposed to be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Happy Birthday L!**

**...**

The apple's sitting on the computer desk and Light doesn't want to look at it. The peel's already growing wrinkly and it disgusts him. He sometimes catches L looking at it, even though he should be focused on convicting Light – an apple shouldn't distract him from the mass murderer right in front of him.

"What's so interesting about it anyway?" he nudges L's foot, as they sit side by side in front of their respective computers. It's not that he doesn't know that it means _something_, but it's just he doesn't _know _what exactly.

L turns to him, but the look in his eyes is distant, somewhere in the past. _Look at me, pay attention to me, L, or I will make you, I will make you pay attention to me. _

"It's none of Light-kun's concern," L tells him flatly.

"No," Light agrees, "it's not like someone's threatening the man I am chained to."

"Light-kun's worry is very appreciated, but, as I said, not needed." But his voice sounds strange, has all day, maybe not quite afraid, but more so than Light's ever heard him.

_I am the only one allowed to hurt you, I am the only one allowed to frighten you. _

L's studying the apple again, but he doesn't pick it up. He's not looking at Light anymore. Light nudges his foot again, but this time L doesn't turn to face him. Light needs him to.

"Can we go get something to eat?" he asks finally.

"I asked Light-kun if he was hungry just ten minutes ago," L tells him, and Light shrugs and says, "I wasn't hungry ten minutes ago."

"Maybe _I'm_ not hungry now." L's still not looking at him.

Light needs to grin at him. "You're always hungry."

"Indeed," L concedes.

Light's not hungry at all, and he _knows _L _knows _he's not hungry, but that he just needs to get away from that damn apple. Which is why he's standing in front of the open fridge, staring blankly at all the different kinds of desserts that make up the majority of its contents.

He wants to know how the thirteen day rule test is progressing _but I already know _and it confuses him that L's not mentioning it.

So he asks, even though he knows L won't tell him.

"Nothing has changed, but Light-kun must already know that."

_Why does it not matter to you why don't you care about me anymore? _And it's not what he wants to think, but it bothers him so much that Kira's suddenly not the biggest threat anymore.

"How would I, if you don't talk to me?" Light says, and can't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice. It makes him even more bitter. He sounds pathetic.

L blinks at him dumbly, and before he knows what he's doing, he has his hands around that thin, pale throat _choke him, choke him, choke him _and L's head hits the tile behind him. _I'm sorry_, Light wants to say, but at the same time he doesn't, because it makes L finally _look_ at him, a weird glint, Light's never seen before in his eyes. He squeezes even tighter, because L's not doing anything, and Light _wants _him to, _needs _him to.

"Why aren't you doing anything?" he yells, and slams L into the wall again. "Do something, goddamnit!"

But L _doesn't _and it's so frustrating, and Light wants to keep shouting or punch L or maybe scream until his lungs burst, but it would only make him embarrass himself _even more_. So before he can do any of that, he presses his mouth to L's.

L goes completely rigid. Eyes wide open, unblinking. But he doesn't push Light away or kick him in the face, so Light keeps kissing him, and L keeps blinking.

And Light doesn't really know why he's doing this _look at me, pay attention to me_, as one of his hands moves to tangle in black strands of hair to draw L closer still, while his other hand keeps pressing at his neck, keeps _choking him, choking him, choking him_.

L seems to want to say something, but Light doesn't let him, and suddenly his mouth starts to move against Light's, and Light feels like it's starting to make sense. But he doesn't know what _it_ is. Thin, long-fingered hands fist into the front of his shirt –

"I'm not afraid of Light-kun," L tells him.

"I don't -" _I don't want you to be_, is what he wants to say, but he can't because _you should be, you should be afraid of me, L, you _will _be afraid of me. _

But he knows L _knows _anyway, because there's something in his eyes; Light has to draw him in again. They grasp at each other desperately, trying to press as close as possible, mouths furiously moving against the other's –

something vibrates against Light's thigh.

"That would be me," L says quietly.

He pulls away and Light wonders if his grip weakened or if L's been able to step away all the time, and just didn't. Light's not sure why he'd prefer the latter.

"Yes, Watari," he says, sitting down in a chair.

Light's hands hang uselessly in the air. He drops them.

"I understand." There's a pause. "Thank you."

He's not looking at Light anymore.

"L -," Light starts, but L interrupts him, "Ryuzaki. Light-kun is supposed to refer to me as Ryuzaki."

"Right."

L doesn't talk to him anymore. That is to say, he will respond if Light asks him something, and he will say, "Light-kun should be focused on Kira instead of me" or "we should go get cake", and he did thank Light when he tried to get back into L's good favour by pouring him a cup of coffee as well; but he doesn't _talk_.

And somehow it's even worse now, because he feels like L is mad at him – and Light's always been good at charming his way out of those kinds of situations, but L's the one person that can look right through his facade.

And in a way, it also feels like he fucked up the only meaningful relationship he's ever had with anyone.

Light can't stop staring at the bruises around L's neck; they make a pretty contrast against white skin. He wonders what the others will say when they see them – if they even dare to say anything; if they even notice it.

Light blinks a few times and tries to refocus on the case-files in front of him, but he does notice L watching him out of the corners of his eyes, and it's distracting.

He tells him, "You're a total hypocrite." And L chuckles slightly. It makes him sound strangely young. "Never said I wasn't, Light-kun."

They share a brief smile, then L's not looking anymore.

The silence between them, stretches for too long.

"Do you want to go get some cake?" Light asks, the constant typing slowly grating at his nerves, gnawing away at them like small rodents – or something equally annoying.

"Hmm, not right now, Light-kun, thank you," he sounds as oddly polite as ever, but there's a knife's edge to his voice.

They're downstairs with the rest of the investigation team (who didn't mention the bruises), when the door bangs open and an only too familiar blonde pokes her head inside.

Light's first instinct is to jump up and yell, "How the fuck did you get in here?" but that wouldn't work in his favour of portraying a long-suffering, all though still loving boyfriend.

"Light!" she cries, and launches herself at him.

He's proud he catches her before they both go toppling on the floor along with the chair.

"Ryuzaki's been keeping you from me!" she throws an accusatory glance at L, who's muttering something that sounds like, "I did nothing of that sort." "He doesn't seem to realize that boyfriends want to see their girlfriends!"

Light wants to say,_ unless their girlfriends have The Eyes to tell them their friend's name_, but he doesn't. Instead, he smiles at her, and says, "We've been very busy, Misa. I'm sure you understand."

She nods enthusiastically, her pig-tails bouncing cutely. "Of course I understand, Light! That's why I'm your girlfriend!"

There's something like a snort coming from L's direction, but L doesn't _snort_, so Light can't be certain.

"Yes. Sure."

"Um," says Matsuda, shuffling his feet. "Misa Misa, we, uh, you're not allowed in here." He glances back towards the rest of the team – apparently they decided to send him over. Maybe they're afraid of Misa now. Light wants them to be afraid of him, too – and he could make them, he could make them fear him.

"What?" says Misa, turning to glare at him. Matsuda shrinks into his shirt. "Why shouldn't I be allowed to see my boyfriend?"

L's watching the three of them, seemingly amused, and Light thinks he might find it amusing too, if it wasn't concerning him.

"Look, Misa, it could be dangerous for you," he tells her, trying to convey the air of a concerned boyfriend.

"But you -," she cuts herself off and Light knows L caught on anyway – but L _knows_ anyway, even if none of them says a word. "I can take care of myself," she says determinedly instead.

It's probably the truest thing she's ever said.

"Amane, I want you to leave now, or I will have to have you escorted out," L finally says, and she glares at him.

Misa opens her mouth and Light's pretty sure she'll say something that'll ruin things for him, so he says, "Misa, I'll see you soon, okay."

Misa beams at him and kisses his cheek, before skidding off his lap. She turns to glare at L once more for good measure, before strutting to the door, Matsuda trailing after her like a puppy.

Light doesn't know where the Death Note is now – or what L's doing to test the thirteen day rule – but he's pretty sure Rem's somewhere close, watching Misa from where none of them can see her.

He doesn't want to die, but more than that he doesn't want to _lose_, and he knows he will if something doesn't change soon, and he needs to talk to Misa, but they need to be alone, and he needs to find a way to contact her.

The door opens again, and a collective groan goes through the room.

"By the way," Misa says, "this was in front of your door." She throws L an apple, smiling prettily.

"Thank you, Amane," he says, voice hollow again.

She gives a girlish giggle. "You're welcome!", wriggles her fingers in a little wave and sashays away.

Apparently she's not mad at them for throwing her out anymore.

_Mirror mirror_.

"Is Light-kun afraid to die?" L asks when they're alone again.

Light's pretty sure he means _once I've proven you are Kira, once I will have you executed_. "No." He pauses. Then, "I just don't want to." _But when I do, you'll go with me, and we'll be together, and we'll be together for all eternity, and I will never be bored again_. "Are you?"

L considers him for a moment. "No. There have been arrangements made, in case of my demise." It's strange to hear someone say something like this in such a casual manner, but it'd be even stranger if L had sounded different.

The second apple sits next to the first one. Light wants to crush it underneath his heel.

"I will not cry for Kira," L tells him out of the blue.

"I don't think anyone would expect you to," Light replies.

L makes a noncommittal sound, but they both know they're talking about the same thing.

"L –" L makes a weird, unhappy noise, but Light doesn't bother correcting himself. "I'm really, uh, sorry for earlier."

"It's fine, Light-kun."

But it's not, because L's not looking at him, and because Light wants to kiss him again, and he doesn't want to want that, and he doesn't want things to them to be weird. And things between them are always weird, but this is a different weird, and it's an awful weird.


	4. Chapter 4

**so um, i debated with myself for a long time whether or not to change the rating for this chapter, but seeing as there is not actually anything happening, i decided to leave it for now. **

**but it will go up in the future, so i'm just warning you now.. **

"Who's sending those anyway," Light asks, when they're both settled on the bed, shattering the silence that's been taut between them all day. He doesn't clarify, but he knows L understands anyway.

"Just an old friend," says L, but he sounds tired, and Light doesn't know why it makes him want to curl himself around his friend, giving him a place to rest.

He can't help his lips curling slightly as he says, "Who's threatening to kill you? You do seem to have a knack for befriending those, Ryuzaki."

L looks up, surprised, probably because he's not seen Light joke much, but also because this is the first time he's ever said anything that could be taken as _yes, I am Kira_. He knows L takes it as such.

"Hm," he says, "It sounds as though Light-kun is including himself in that. Seeing as he is my very first friend." His eyes glint with mockery at that.

"Which was obviously a lie, then," Light tells him.

L smiles and reaches a hand out to tug at a lock of Light's hair. "Takes one to know one, Light-kun." Light bites his wrist. And suddenly the tension between them is broken – but it still feels different somehow. Light's not sure if it's a good different, though.

"Light-kun should try to get some sleep, we're leaving very early."

Light immediately jolts up, all traces of good-natured teasing have left the air. "What? It's not been thirteen – L, you can't -" And he doesn't even care that this was probably the safest way to convince L that he is guilty of _something_.

_You cannot kill me, L, I am justice, I am god, I will beat you. _

L doesn't respond, at first. But when he does, all he says is, "We will talk in the morning."

He keeps staring at Light unblinkingly, until Light concedes and gets under the blanket, eyes narrowed, thoughts of _kill you, kill you, kill you _racing through his head.

Light thinks about getting up and wrapping the chain around L's neck _choking him, choking him, choking him_, when something heavily weighs down upon his chest. He opens his eyes to meet L's, who's looking down at him with mild interest.

"Get off me!" Light yells and tries to shove at him, but L's stronger than he looks – Light thinks he should probably know that by now. "What the fuck are you doing?"

L doesn't answer, but curls his fingers around Light's shoulders, pale thumbs ghosting over his collarbones. His hands are cold and fragile and Light could easily break them, but he doesn't want to.

"What are you doing?" Light hates repeating himself, but he still hasn't got an answer.

"Is Light-kun scared?" he's teasing – _taunting_ – again.

_You should be scared, L, you should be underneath me, underneath your god. _

"Should I be?" Light asks, making sure to keep his voice playful, and allows a small smile.

"Hm," says L, "perhaps." He strokes the pad of his thumb across Light's neck, imitating a knife. "I do seem to, after all, hold Light-kun's life in my hands."

And he _does _and that's what makes it so horrible, and Light wants to hit him; but instead, he does the next best thing and rolls them over, successfully trapping L beneath his weight. L doesn't even have the dignity to act surprised, but instead wraps his legs around Light's waist, pressing him closer still.

"Oh," Light says, "but you seem to forget that I have something up my sleeve as well." A smirk tugs at the corners of his lips.

"A notebook you have no access to? Or are you talking about Amane?" L says, and it doesn't escape Light that he's dropped the -kun. It's strangely exciting. But L's _right_ and it makes Light want to punch him again, but he doesn't want to get kicked in the face for his troubles.

Instead, he fists his hands into L's hair and yanks his head back.

"You can't kill me," Light tells him.

L doesn't seem bothered by having his head yanked around, and just says calmly, "And why is that, Light-kun?"

"You cannot kill a god." He bites at L's lip, wanting to hurt him, wanting to make him bleed, and uses the hands in his hair to pull him closer. L doesn't do anything and Light bites him again, and L seems to want to say something, but he's so quiet so Light doesn't care much, and instead takes the opportunity to lick into his mouth.

And this time, L reacts immediately, hooking his feet under Light's thighs. He's kissing back, but it's weird, because kissing L is kind of like licking a dead fish (not that Light has any experience with that, of course), but he's trying and it thrills Light to think that he's probably the first person L's ever kissed.

"But," L says, pulling away, so he's talking against the corner of Light's mouth. He sounds slightly out of breath, "but, I am a god, too, Light-kun."

And Light wants to disagree, but he thinks that L might be right, so he draws him in again; and they're kissing again, and they're biting and sucking and moving and there's probably more spit involved than strictly necessary and it should be disgusting, but for some reason it isn't.

He moves to bite at the place where L's shoulder meets his neck, making sure he'll have a bruise there in the morning – and maybe the others will ask how he got it, and maybe they'll _know_ and he hopes it'll confuse them. Or make them uncomfortable at the very least.

"Hybris seems to be your fatal flaw, then," he says against the wet skin, sliding his hand down between them, to cup the front of L's pants.

L groans, pushing his hips up against him, and Light could be cruel, could pull away, but he doesn't _want_ to. "I suppose Light-kun could be correct." He sounds _much_ too calm, so Light squeezes him, _hard_. This time, L does actually cry out, and seems surprised at himself. He's watching Light with wide, interested eyes; Light has to kiss him again.

It doesn't keep L from talking, though, and his lips brush against Light's as he tells him, "But then I suppose it would be Light-kun's fatal flaw, too."

Light can't argue with that, so he does the next best thing, which is to kiss L again. One of L's hands comes up to cup his face, thumb brushing against his cheek, the other sliding up his shirt, curling against his stomach. Light moves to unzip his fly; then pauses and presses their foreheads together. He knows he's supposed to ask _is this okay? _or _are you alright? _but it's not something that would be normal for them.

"Kira," L whispers, and Light doesn't know how to respond, and doesn't know why he doesn't mind, doesn't know why he _wants_ it, after he's spent all of their time together trying to deny just that.

He presses his lips to L's bone-coloured cheek, then tells him, "Say it again" an odd sort of giddiness vibrating in his voice.

"Kira," L repeats, and this time Light rewards him by grabbing his hips, fingers digging into the pale skin, hoping he will leave marks, and grinding down against him.

"Again."

"Kira."

Their movements become frantic, as they desperately whisper against each other, their voices blurring together, turning into nothing more than quiet moans, and Light feels himself tipping over the edge, and he doesn't want to come first, doesn't want to give L that satisfaction –

and then something's vibrating against him _again_.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" he says, but makes no move to let L shift to grab it.

"It might be important," L tells him, but doesn't sound all that convinced.

"Probably," Light agrees.

But it doesn't stop, so he finally reaches into L's pocket to retrieve it.

"Don't answer it," L tells him sternly. Light considers answering just to spite him, but then hands it over.

"Yes. Watari, I – yes, hmm," and Light suddenly remembers that there are cameras and that Watari has seen everything _again_ – he immediately rolls off of L, even though the latter moves to grab his wrist.

L ends the call. "Light-kun –"

"He just saw this." Light means to make it sound like a question, but instead it turns into a statement.

"Yes. I am very sorry, Light-kun," and he does sound sorry, at least slightly.

"That's just fucked up!" L's fingers stroke along his wrist as he hums in agreement. "And then he fucking _calls_ and –"

"I think the phrase is 'cockblocks', Light-kun," L supplies. And it's so weird and unexpected, that Light can't keep down the laughter bubbling up in his chest, and before he knows what's happening, he's lying on his back, laughing manically.

L's looking at him with slight concern, but it doesn't help – it makes his laughter even worse. And suddenly L's laughing too, and it's something Light's never heard before, and he tries to lean up on his elbows to get a good look at L; his face is so open and he looks so young, and it's so weird, and Light's laughing so hard that his arms give out and he face-plants into L's chest.

One of L's arms comes up to wind around him, and Light presses his face into his neck. It's slick with cooling sweat, and Light thinks under different circumstance (and with a different person), he'd think it gross. But now he doesn't mind it much at all.

It's a while before neither is shaking with poorly suppressed laughter anymore.

L nuzzles his face into Light's hair and says, "Well, where were we?"

And Light giggles again, but it's so unmanly that it dies in his throat immediately. "No. No, the mood's been totally ruined now."

He feels L smile. "That might be true."

"Also, we apparently have a voyeur."

L doesn't dignify this with a reply. "Light-kun really should sleep now."

"Yeah," Light agrees.

He doesn't move, and L doesn't make him.

He wakes up to L tugging at his hair.

"You know," Light tells him, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, the chain clinking slightly, "there are much nicer ways to wake someone up."

"But I like Light-kun's hair."

"You're ridiculous, Ryuzaki," Light says, pushing himself up. "Were are we going anyway?"

"Light-kun will know as soon as we arrive." His shoulder brushes against Light's back as he moves to sit behind him.

Light sighs. "That's very reassuring."

"It wasn't supposed to be."

Light thinks he might've blown any chance of getting off as innocent now, because there's no way he could pretend that last night was just some sort of fucked up role-play. That is to say, he could try, but it's not as though L would ever believe him. And Light doesn't want him to. He doesn't want to be able to fool L.

They get dressed in silence, throwing the rest of the few belongings they have here into a suitcase. Light's not sure if they'll manage to close it.

Surprisingly, they do.

Watari's waiting outside with his car – which is probably actually L's.

When they enter, the barrier is up, and Light's glad, because he thinks he might punch the old man in the face, and he's not sure if L would be okay with that.

There is an awkward silence between them, and Light wants to lean over and to kiss L and break it. But he's not sure if it's okay anymore, now that it's morning – even though it's probably only four.

But he does reach out, to place a hand on L's chest to feel his heartbeat, wondering if it'll feel even better now once he stops it for good. He also wonders if L'll sigh his name with his last breath, and if he does, Light'll kiss his open mouth.

L looks at him with a slight upward curve of his mouth. And Light wants to curl up in his lap, but that would not constitute as driving safely. L laces their fingers together.

They stay like that, until Watari pulls up to something Light recognizes as an airport, even though he's never been there himself.

"Where are we going?" he tries again.

L shakes his head slightly.

"Right."

They have to take off the chain as the go through the security-check. It feels slightly weird, to finally have it off his wrist, but it also makes him feel strangely naked.

L doesn't chain him again, even when they've taken their seats on the plane – he's let Light take the window-seat, and Light hasn't thanked him.

"Light-kun has never been on a plane before, has he?" L asks.

"You already know that."

"I was merely trying to make conversation," L says politely, looking pointedly at Light's hands, which are gripping both armrests, knuckles turning white. "Scared?"

"No!" it sounds weaker than he intended.

And then the plane takes off, and Light's pretty sure he'll rip of the armrest with how tightly he's gripping it. But as soon as they're up in the air, it's not so bad anymore, and his face is practically plastered against the tiny glass-window, watching everything beneath them grow smaller and smaller.

But the flight is incredibly long, and Light doesn't know where they're going and he grows more and more anxious, because this could be very well his first and last flight, if they're actually going to somewhere he'll be executed.

L's stirring his coffee unenthusiastically – it's only got the two bags of sugar that came with it, and the two Light gave him in it, and it's clearly not enough for him. The bruise on his neck's barely visible above the collar of his shirt. Light wishes it would be; he wants to try again.

"What is Light-kun thinking?" he asks, once he notices Light watching him.

"We should go fuck in the bathroom," Light tells him.

L blinks at him, twice. Then says, "That's very romantic, Light-kun."

"I do try."

They share a smile, and Light suddenly wishes it wouldn't have to end with one of them dying. He wishes they won't have to destroy each other, he wishes L would want to work together with Kira. Maybe he'll be able to convince him.

"Well, let's go, then," L says, grabbing Light's wrist. And now it's time for Light to blink stupidly, because he's not sure if he himself was actually serious.

"Um," he says eloquently.

"Hm." L tugs at a loose thread in Light's sleeve. This is new; Light's never had loose threads in his clothes before. "It appears Light-kun is all talk."

In an instant, Light is out of his seat. "I'm not," he all but hisses.

L's uncurls from his usual crouch in a second, tugging Light after him by his sleeve. Nobody's stopping them, as they enter the bathroom, locking the door behind them. And, for all of L being the three greatest detectives in the world, they really didn't try to be all that inconspicuous.

As soon as the door's closed, L has him pressed up against it, lips at his throat, fingers in his hair.

"You know," Light says, sliding his hands up L's shirt and gripping at his waist, "it's really kinda weird that we have more privacy here."

L makes a sound in agreement, but doesn't pause in his task of mouthing wetly along Light's collarbones. A sudden feeling of _want _surges through Light, and he grips L's chin to bring their lips together.

They kiss open-mouthed and clumsily, fumbling against each other, trying to touch as much, as quickly as possible.

And then someone knocks on the door.

"You do know that that's illegal, right?" someone asks from the other side.

"What's illegal?" Light asks, sounding as innocent as possible. And he's always been good at that.

"Just get outta there."

"Yeah, sure," Light replies, straightening out L's shirt, and trying to smooth down his hair – not that it's ever smooth in the first place.

"Why does this keep happening?" he asks, no one in particular.

"I don't know," L replies, as he follows Light back to their seats.

The blonde flight-attendant watches them disapprovingly, but at least she doesn't say anything.

It's mostly quiet for the rest of the flight.

And Light keeps staring out of the window, trying to recall the time he spent without his memories of the Death Note – and he thinks he's wanted to kiss L back then, too. But it feels different now, more intense, somehow.

He's fallen asleep somewhere over Germany, and it's strange, because L's been asleep for a few hours already, and Light's been watching him like a fucking creep. But that was only because he doesn't see L sleep much, and it looks somehow endearing. (Especially considering he's expected L to sleep with his eyes open.)

Once they're back in the car – a different one, this time, but no less pompous then the one back in Japan, Light's ready to fall asleep again. It's already dark, and he has no idea what time it is – it's not like he cares much, either.

"Where are we going?" he asks L again.

He doesn't understand why L won't tell him even now, because there is no possible way Light could escape now, and the least thing he can do, is tell Light where he'll die.

"We'll arrive shortly."

_Shortly_ turns out to be three hours later. They pull up in the drive-way of a very old, very expensive looking mansion – at least from what Light can tell in the dark.

L's face completely changes – there's something in his eyes, Light's never seen before, and there's a small smile on his lips.

"Go on ahead," Watari tells them, handing Light the suitcase – because, of course L can't be expected to carry his own baggage. "There are some things I need to take care off."

It sounds as though he's going to kill someone, and Light's not sure why it wouldn't surprise him.

L's hand curls around his wrist, and he doesn't resist, when he's being dragged to the front-gates, because there's something akin to excitement in L's demeanour and it fascinates him.

Inside, it looks just as old and expensive, as it does from the outside – there's a wide hall before them, and it smells weird – not as empty as one might expect, but as though people actually live there. There are portraits on the wall, and potted plants after every one of them.

He's so busy taking everything in, that he almost trips over a toy-car in front of him – only L's grip on his wrist keeping him upright.

"This wouldn't happen, if I'd slept more," Light tells him immediately, as they walk up a small spiral staircase. He wants to ask why there's a toy-car, but maybe he doesn't want to know.

"And here I though Light-kun has got used to running on little sleep." Light shoves at his shoulder, almost making him trip in the process.

And then they're in front of a small wooden door, and L opens it. It leads to a small room, nothing more than a bed, a desk with a chair, a drawer – and a box full of candy. It looks like someone's used to live here a long time, but hasn't been for a while.

"This is your room!" Light exclaims, the candy making it clear to him.

"Yes," L says calmly, but there is something in his tone that Light can't quite pin-point.

"It's … nice," Light tells him.

"Thank you, Light-kun."

And then suddenly he realizes that he's not brought here, because he'll be killed (because for all of L's quirks, Light's pretty sure he doesn't live in an execution-facility).

"Where are we?" he asks, and this time L has to respond, because they're here now, and he has to explain _something_.

"I grew up here," L says quietly.

Light stares at him, because it's probably one of the stupidest things L's ever done – bringing a mass murderer into his old home.

"Let's go to bed," L says, not meeting Light's eyes.

"Yeah, sure," Light says, and he feels so weird, because this is _L_'s bed, and it's completely different to the bed they shared back in Japan – it's also much smaller.

They don't bother getting changed (not that L ever really does), before they get into the bed, wrapping the blanket around themselves awkwardly, because it was much bigger back at home.

Their limbs are tangled at weird angles, but Light doesn't mind much, because as he's discovered recently, he likes to be much closer to L than he originally thought (maybe it's a side-effect from being locked away for fifty days). L scoots even closer, until their noses are brushing and his hair is splayed over Light's cheek.

"There are no cameras now, are there?" Light asks, and L chuckles slightly, "I should hope not."

He leans up to brush his lips over Light's and Light doesn't know why it feels like they should've been doing this for a much longer time already. But being this close to L makes him want to crawl under his skin and stay there. And it's terrifying, but terrifying in a wonderful way.


	5. Chapter 5

**In which this is basically just a tiny little transition-chapter. **

**...**

He hasn't been mad at Matt for a while, so maybe it's kind of a refreshing change. And it's Matt's fault anyway, because why the fuck wouldn't he believe Mello when he says he's heard L's gonna be here. It's not like he hasn't heard it the last ten times, either. And maybe it is kind of understandable that he'd rather be in bed than sit on the cold floor in front of the window in the middle of the night, to maybe catch a glimpse of dark hair – not that they'd see much of that in the middle of the night anyway. But still, Mello's his best friend, he should be a little more supportive.

Small feet whisper over the stone floor, and maybe it should surprise him a little, but Near's always found him waiting for L, even though he apparently doesn't very much care for L himself – which just proves that Mello should be L's successor.

But Near does seem to think he could surprise him, because he's always walked quietly, but Mello'll always be able to hear him. Matt'd call him obsessive. He thinks it might be true.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asks, one eyebrow raised, as Near sits down next to him, one knee drawn up to his chest.

There's no reply, but Mello didn't expect one anyway.

"How come you always find me?" _How come you always look for me? _But he thinks that might sound strange – not that it'd matter much with Near anyway.

And this time he does want an answer, even if he's not sure why.

"Mello's not that well hidden," Near tells him, and Mello thinks about starting a fight, because he's pretty sure Near's trying to get him to, but he doesn't want to disturb the quiet.

And he also doesn't want to miss L arriving only because he can't control his temper – because he is _trying_, trying to be more like Near, trying to feel less (although he'd never admit that, of course).

He feels Near's arm brush against his, but doesn't turn away from the window, until Near says, "One of the younger kids gave me this." He holds out an apple.

"And here I thought you'd end up like one of those crazy cat ladies," Mello tells him, a mocking smile playing around his lips.

Near looks at him in slight confusion, and it sends a little thrill down Mello's spine.

"No," Near says finally, apparently not caring enough to try to figure out what Mello was talking about. Mello wishes he would. "He said it is for Mello and me."

It surprises Mello, and he finally takes the apple.

_Tweet, Tweet_

"Wha-?"

"It's a message, " Near tells him, as though Mello doesn't already know, "But I don't know what it means."

"Yeah, well," Mello says, even though he doesn't know what he actually wants to say – just so Near won't be the only one who has something to say. "When did you get it?"

"After dinner. He said he didn't want to talk to Mello, because Mello might yell at him." Mello huffs in irritation, but doesn't deny it.

"Maybe it's from L," he says.

Near doesn't look like he believes that at all. And Mello wants to hit Near's head against the glass – seeing if the glass or his skull would break first. _But either would be a shame._

Suddenly he feels the inexplicable urge to go and tell Matt about this (the apple, not the window thing) – he's on his feet before he's even fully registered it. Near looks at him, mild interest evident on his features – or it would be, if one spent as much time studying his every move as Mello does.

"Well, come on!" he tells him, and Near doesn't hesitate before he follows him down the hallway – Mello should perhaps wonder why, but Near's always let Mello lead him around, since they were kids, even before Matt was here and they used to hang around each other, too different from the other kids,

He feels Near's fingers flutter against his wrist, tracing his pulse, and he's not sure if he wants to pull away – in the end he does anyway, just out of principle. But only after they've already arrived at Matt's door.

He's never bothered knocking, because there shouldn't be anything Matt would want to hide from him. And maybe he is a complete hypocrite, because there are so many things Matt doesn't know about him, and that Mello never wants him to find out.

Matt jolts awake immediately, used to Mello's late night visits after so many years – as well he should be. "Mello?" his voice a little sluggish.

"Yes," Mello replies, and sits down next to him, dropping the apple into Matt's lap. For a second he's worried Matt'll think it's some kind of joke and throw it on the floor.

"Yeah," Matt says, "really funny." And only then Mello realises that the lights are still off.

"It's an apple," he says, because he doesn't want to get up, because Matt's warm against him, and he thinks he might curl up under the covers with him – until Near switches on the lights. Mello thinks he wouldn't mind so much if Near got into bed with them.

Matt blinks at him in surprise, though. "What are you doing here?"

"Mello and I met outside," explains Near, and Mello adds, "Because your beauty sleep was apparently too important to join me."

"Ugh," says Matt and rubs at his eyes. "Do you know that it's, what" - he glances at his 'Legend of Zelda' alarm clock - "three thirty."

"Yeah," says Mello, even though he didn't.

Matt twirls the apple's stem, and Near sits down on Mello's other side. Mello wants Matt to tell him to leave.

"It says _tweet, tweet_ ?" Matt eyes it suspiciously, like he's still not sure if Mello's trying to set him up. "Why?"

"It's a message," Mello tells him.

And Near says, "You could eat it. So we could see if it's poisoned." Mello's not sure which one of them he's addressing – maybe both.

"Or you could try," he says, but Near doesn't respond other than twirling a strand of his hair around a finger. "There's got to be some meaning in it."

"Well, no duh." Matt nudges his shoulder. "But, you know, let's talk about it in the morning."

Mello cannot believe him. "But it might be from L!"

"I don't think -"

"Apparently not, no."

"Let's think in the morning, 'kay?" Neither of them give any sign of agreement, but keep glaring at each other. Well, that is to say, Mello's glaring, Near's just sort of watching him, slightly amused. "Okay, you can either stay here, but then be quiet _and turn the fucking lights off_! Or you continue this somewhere that is _not here_!"

"Yeah, okay," says Mello, because he wants to argue, but on the other hand he is tired, and he's warm between his best friend and his – Near. So he finally just drops his head to Matt's shoulder, and he feels Near shifting against him, breathing something like a sigh – if Near sighed. He doesn't know why he doesn't mind – probably because it's so late already.

And because at times like this Mello can pretend that if things were different, they could maybe be happy, that they could maybe be normal. Not that he wants to be normal, of course, he's quite content being extraordinary.

He thinks he might fall asleep now after all, but then he sees the lights of a car pulling up in the driveway and jumps off the bed in an instant.

"Mello," Matt says slowly, and Mello knows he's only trying to prevent him from getting disappointed, because that's what friends are supposed to do after all, but he _knows_ it's L!

"Come _on_!" he all but yells and grabs Matt's wrist, dragging him out of the room. He doesn't look, but he knows Near's behind them.

It's dark in the hallway, but he runs to look down from the top of the stairs anyway.  
>And there are definitely people down there, talking quietly in – what he thinks might be – Japanese, but he's too tired to try hard enough to be certain. They walk up the stairs to what Mello knows is L's room in the basement – he's picked the lock to sneak in enough times. He doesn't know which one of them was L, but he hopes it wasn't the one tripping, and he also doesn't know why L would bring someone else here.<p>

But it's L, he'll know exactly what he's doing.

He waits until he hears the door close after them, then follows, fully intent on camping in front of L's door, so L'll have to talk to him as soon as he opens it.

"You are such an idiot," says Matt, as he comes to sit next to him, Near tagging along.

Mello wants to tell them to fuck off, but maybe it's not so bad to have some kind of buffer between him and the door.


End file.
